A Cheating Spouse - Now What?

There is hope. There is a future for you and your family. Don't give up. Help and resources are available to help you survive your affair!
Survive the Affair
How to Survive Cheating
Rediscover Yourself after the Affair
(Some excerpts from the help available)

September 7th, 2010

Reeling from the upheaval that results from the revelations during and after the affair, your world may seem shattered into so many fragments that you don't know which piece to pick up first.
Perhaps you have a family to consider, children who could potentially be negatively impacted by your cheating spouse's decisions-not to mention your home life and your ability to function as a part of the family. You obviously have your marriage to consider-it's currently in shreds. You may also have a job to juggle-your inner turmoil could be throwing off your ability to focus.
In the last section, you learned 3 critical steps you must take before you can even begin your journey of rediscovery-as you work to survive the emotional destruction unleashed by your spouse's affair. In this section, I'll explain why it's essential that you focus on yourself, and provide some steps you can take on the path to healthy rediscovery.
Forgiveness: Could it improve your health?

The emotional devastation you face when your spouse has cheated on you has the power to suck you down into a vortex of hopelessness and desperation. I’ve heard it described as a sickening cocktail of rage, anguish, anxiety, self-doubt, and sleepless nights. The psychological impact is tremendous …
What you may not realize is that these emotions can cripple your physical health as well. And the longer you remain in the smothering embrace of negative emotions, the more likely it is to have an impact on your health.
However, there are ways to ease the pain and minimize its unhealthy effects. In this article, we’ll look at the idea of forgiveness which is a huge hurdle for many. I will also review a proven alternative to forgiveness-one that has the power to help you reduce your emotional anguish, even if you’re not ready for "forgiving and forgetting."

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Coping with and Surviving an Affair

The destructive impact of an affair has a devastating effect on those involved, not only the spouse, but the children, the wider family and even friends. When an affair is discovered, emotions run totally wild, and a hollow feeling of betrayal coupled with a feeling of being alone blot out the happiness that was there before.

But through this devastation of soul, there are ways to move on and survive an affair, and even come out victorious. There is help available to go through a step by step process to rebuild your relationship and trust. It won't be easy, and it will take a bit of time, but it is possible to rebuild your shattered life.

There is a lot to be done. Boiling emotions have to be brought under control. Negative thoughts have to be redirected and trained to look for the good in a bad situation. Life has to go on amid all the chaos - bills come in, a job has to be done and colleagues dealt with while simultaneously dealing with your own heartbreak, the fridge will still run out of milk, the kids still have to get to school, friends will still pop around for a visit - and this is a hard and rocky time for any person.

Then you have to work through the issue of forgiveness, and acceptance of the fact that what has happened cannot be undone, and it just has to be dealt with. Although forgiveness seems to be a totally impossible mission, it ultimately benefits you, the wronged party, the most of all. It's like an expensive investment where the return on investment is really, really good!

To try and do this all alone is really difficult. Even more so since your thoughts are mixed up, and it's hard to concentrate or motivate yourself to do things. At a time like this it's good if you can find a trusted friend to confide in and unload some of your problems, thus making your load lighter. A problem shared is a problem halved.

The bottom line is that with the right help your marriage can be saved, and you can rebuild most of what was lost. Why let the "other woman" win? Your spouse once chose you out of all the other women around to marry, so there's no reason why that spark cannot be rekindled.

So don't give up hope. Fight for the life you once had, and believe that you can win your marriage back. It Can Be Done!
My Husband is Having an Affair!

When you discover that your husband is having an affair, it can be the most painful, gut wrenching  shock imaginable. Feelings of betrayal, sadness, rejection, anger, helplessness - these and many other feelings flood and swirl through you, as you try to make sense of the illogical. It's like riding through a stormy sea, where one foaming wave of emotion after another batters you.

Although this nightmare is not going to go away overnight, it is possible to get through an affair with your marriage intact. Many husbands, a majority in fact, want to stay with their wives after an affair. If you allow them to, then they will probably stay. But of course, the affair has to end, and both spouses must be committed to healing.

Some Superman type people may be able to rescue their marriage all on their own, but the rest of us need help. There is help available in the form of books, step by step guides and survival manuals that can help a couple get through this disaster and still have a life after the affair. These are necessary because of the large number of issues that need to be dealt with, such as building up trust again, accountability, humility, forgiveness, caring and friendship. It's a big task, and so a structured, methodical approach is needed.

One of the most important things to realise is that it was very likely that it was nothing that you did that made your husband have an affair. Some common causes are boredom with life in general, an addiction to pornography, being seduced by another woman, spur of the moment infatuation, and so on. You are probably a wonderful wife, but all it takes is for your husband to have one weak moment, and then he's sucked into the affair and doesn't know how to get out.

What most women and many men don't realise is the power of sexual addiction. Scientists have found that pornography addiction produces the same chemical reaction in the brain as heroin. No wonder men are unable to resist the pull of this need for a "fix."   More and more satisfies less and less until they lose the ability to think and reason clearly, and then do illogical things like have an affair while their wife is in hospital having a baby. No common sense there!

But addictions can be cured, and the best way is by going cold turkey; that is, stopping everything at once, and planning strategies to avoid going back there. You may notice a recurring theme here: you need a plan. You could use some help. But you can get through this.

You CAN survive your affair.

Facing Unfaithfulness In Your Marriage
I understand you have a heavy pain in your stomach that can't be eased. That you are feeling alone and bewildered. Wondering how he/she could have done this thing to you. Unable to comprehend why it happened to you. Questioning and second guessing yourself. All the while the spectre looms over you of a broken life, a broken marriage, a shatterered family, a torn reputation; so many problems rushing at you. But stare the spectre down, and he will shrink. You can overcome him. Bit by bit, you can win. You can survive this affair and come out with most of your life intact, and slowly rebuild what was destroyed.

Right, let's get stuck in and fix this problem ! 
(This is just a simplified outline of the process..)

1.)  Decide if you want to save your marriage or not. (say yes!)
2.)  Tell your spouse you want to save your marriage, and ask them if they want to save the marriage too, or separate.
(About 65% of those in an affair want to save their marriage)
        If the first two answers are yes, then:
3.)  The affair must end right there and then. A clean break.
4.)  Make a committment to work together to rebuild the marriage.
5.)  Make a committment to build a positive attitude.
6.)  Start work on the areas that have been damaged. These include such areas as honesty, truthfulness, respect, communication, friendship, forgiveness, anger, reassurance, trust, accountability, repentance (apology and cooperation) , confession, intimacy, bitterness and fears.

This is quite a big task, and it's a good idea to get some help. There are resources available to lead you in a step by step system though all these processes and emotional hurdles. With your feelings being so disturbed, it's better to have a plan you can follow, rather than just going it alone.

What a sad thing that these things happen, but it's no use asking why. It's better to forget what's gone, and concentrate on what you can do here and now to repair the damage and build defenses and checks to prevent it happening again.

And don't think God is against you or is punishing you. He's not like that. In His own words He says "I hate divorce....
I hate it when one of you does such a cruel thing.."  So He's by your side, and He will help you through it too. He invented marriage, and so He can make it work for you.

Lastly, remember that you are special and precious. Don't let this crisis make you think otherwise. Every person has talents and gifts and is needed in the world; you are able to make this world a better place. So be encouraged! Your happiness will return.

We'll be rooting for you, and praying for you.
Infoguru Home Page..
Dr Gunzberg has over 30 years experience in counseling and helping couples that have been torn apart by affairs.

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Can you survive an affair?
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