* 10 Reasons To get a Cat.

* Depression Can be Fun.

* Quantum Theory, Off The Wall.

* Fun Things To Do When You're Tired..

* 10 Things To Say To Your Teenagers That Are a Total Waste Of Breath.

* How To Get To Ride in an Elevator Alone.

* The Photography Myth.

* Jokes #1

* Jokes #2

10 Things To Say In An Elevator If You Want To Ride Alone.

Riding in a crowded elevator can be quite a pain. Sure, everyone needs to get where they are going, but they would also benefit health wise if they used the stairs. Then you could enjoy the airy comfort of an unoccupied lift, and they could all get slim and fit.

But how do you convince a lift-load of miscellaneous, disinterested and grumpy people to go exercise on the stairs? Well, there are ways. Here are 10 sure-fire ways to empty a lift by the next floor.

1. I was stuck in this lift for 12 hours yesterday. When the mountain rescue team got me out I was suffering from real bad dehydration. And they say this lift is a time bomb.

2. Have you seen the steel ropes holding up this lift?  Talk about frayed! I'm surprised this thing can even get off the ground, let alone go up all these floors!

3. Wow, that baked bean and garlic sausage stew I had just now is really rumbling around in me! I hope I can last to the top floor!

4. I'm going up to see the criminal psychiatrist. He says my killing sprees can be cured! He said there may be relapses for a month or so though...

5. Hey, there must have been a bank heist or something! The other lift is knee deep in 100 dollar bills! I just got a whole lot!

6. I hear Playboy and Playgirl are doing a live combined photoshoot on the next floor!

7. Hi there! I'm collecting funds for the preservation of bat guano association, and I don't take no for an answer! Come on people, empty those wallets.

8. Do you smell gas? I'm sure that I can smell gas. Strong too. Nobody make a spark!!

9. Do you lovely people mind if I practice my yodelling? Thanks! I've got a big audition upstairs today.

10. My brother-in-law is the lift technician here, and he says that if more than ( state the present number of occupants) people get into this lift, the stupid thing goes into free fall. Luckily there's a big spring at the bottom of the lift shaft!

This should clear the elevator, apart from the deaf guy at the back that you didn't notice! Now all you have to hope for is that some other guy didn't read this article before you!
Can you believe it! A picture of a wet garbage can earns me a bronze medal in a competition at the photographic club I belong to. I didn't even like the picture, but I put it in out of sheer frustration because all the photos of glorious scenery dropped out in prelim 28.
Strange people, photographic judges. A picture of a bent nail sticking out of a piece of rotten wood sends them into raptures. They should come look in my workshop: they will think they've just walked into paradise. It must have been some childhood damage they incurred that made them like this.
When they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they weren't kidding. I think the best way to win a photographic contest is to take the picture you hate, where the thing moved before you clicked and the flash never went off, and enter that. You're sure to win gold. One man's garbage is another man's treasure. Funny how all these cliche's seem to be custom made for photography!
Well, nowadays we have Flickr and YouTube, where the masses judge the artwork. I must say I like this better. The masses seem to have more sense than the erudite judges. At least the pictures that get popular on the web are somewhat pleasing to the eye. They've got some color and are of stuff I can recognise, like forests and waterfalls and steam trains. People that like bent nails and wet garbage cans can always go into their back yard and see it for real. There are no waterfalls or steam trains in my back yard.. (as far as I know..)
Digital camera's certainly make life easier. You can take the same photo 456 times until you are totally happy with it. In the old days of SLR camera's using film, that excercise may have cost you 456 bucks. It was only seriously crazy professional photographers that went that route.
I see that you still get cameras these days that cost more than a kings ranson. I wonder what makes them so costly? Maybe they have a direct wireless link with the planet Zorg, where photographic judges come from. Or wet garbage can tracking systems, to find the ultimate garbage shot. Another feature thay could include would be a random shutter trigger timer and a flash blocker, so that they can get shots they didn't want to take - which of course are competition winners!
The logical conclusion of all this, is that if you have entered your photos for competitions and publication, and they've turned you down, celebrate! It means that you're more normal that those that won!
12 Things You Say To Your Teenagers That Are a Total Waste of Breath

It's a strange fact of life that we say things to our teenagers, that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, they will totally ignore. Yet we continue to say these things in the vain hope that they might just obey us. It's like saying to Attila the Hun, "Be nice!" 

Many of us labour under the delusion that our teenagers are actually absobing these words. But teenagers have a sort of parent sheild, that deflects all but our most strident (or pain inducing) instructions. They also have selective deafness. They didn't hear our shouted instruction, three times, to go and bath, but they can hear a sweet packet open at 235 yards.

So here are the 12 greatest waste of time utterances a parent can make...

1.  "Go shower, and don't use all the hot water."

2.  "Don't talk on the phone too long." The teenagers interpret "too long" to mean "until death do us part."

3.  "Have a nice day at school."  (All kids know that this is totally impossible, so you will probably get the "stare of death" from them.)

4.  "How was school?" Usual answer: "Fine."  Information gained: Absolute zero.

5.  "OK, you can use my headphones, but don't break them."  You better get used to listening to your Beatles CDs in the car, Dad!

6.  "Don't fight with your sister!  "

7.  "Be nice and quiet because I'm making a phone call."   They think you mean quiet relative to the space shuttle launch, as experienced at a distance of 30 yards from the launch pad.

8.  "Enjoy your party and be good, and be home by 10."  HaHa. Funny one that.

9.  "Don't use all your airtime up on your cellphone before the end of the month."  If aforesaid airtime lasts to the end of the week, the earth would flip around and the ice caps would be in the Amazon, such would be the cosmic disturbance of this event.

10.  "Here's some money for your trip to the mall. Bring me the change."  The likelyhood of getting change is directly proportional to the likelyhood of the temperature in hell dropping below 32`F

11.  "Turn that radio /CD /light /heater /whatever off when you leave the room."  The only way these things are going to go off is if Dad switches them off himself or the national grid fails.

12.  "If you're bored, why don't you read a book?"  Reply: "Like, Dad, totally, books are like sooo 2003."

So we could save ourselves a lot of breath by not bothering to say these things, but what the heck! Our parents said the same things to us. It's like a tradition!

Oh well, enjoy your teenagers!
Depression can be fun!

Since you don't believe that fun exists when you're depressed, what you need to do is have negative depression. So you try your hardest to get more depressed, and then you fail, and get happier instead. Negative failure is a good thing; the two negatives cancel out!

Looking in the mirror can be a death knell for depression. That woeful, sad face you see looks so ridiculous that bursting out laughing is totally unavoidable. If you wanna stay depressed, stay away from mirrors!

Anyway, there are lots of fun activities for the depressed person to enjoy. Especially in this financially depressed economic situation we find ourselves in at the moment.
Get all your bills that you can't pay, and make paper aeroplanes from them. Then the one that flies furthest is the one that gets paid first.
  • Read the telephone directory. Some of the wierd surnames in there are bound to cheer you up!
  • Catch a cockroach and put it in a glass jar. Study it. Then be grateful you don't look like him. If you do look like him, then go look in the mirror and have a good laugh.
  • Write all your worries on a big piece of paper. Then have fun burning it in the fireplace. Maybe they'll go away! If you can't bring yourself to set it alight, then you are too attached to your worries!
  • Have a staring competition with the wall. The wall normally blinks first...
  • Tell your cat about your tough, unfair life. They normally fall asleep, so hold a cat treat up where they can see it to improve their attention span.
  • If it's foggy, freezing cold and drizzling... uh, well, that's a tough one. Maybe just stay depressed until one of those three clears up, then you can say "It could be worse!"
  • If you live in Zimbabwe, you can play monopoly with real money, and the kids can keep it at the end of the game. Or you could wallpaper your rooms with million dollar notes, which is cheaper than buying wallpaper!
  • If you've lost your job, imagine that you've got a free holiday from that horrible boss of yours. And remember that you are not alone - there's 52 million others like you, and counting.
  • If you're really sad, sprinkle some paint powder, all different colours, onto a large sheet of paper, and then cry over it. The tears will drop randomly and start creating an impressionist masterpiece, which you can later sell for a fortune. Trying to wipe up the tears gives an even better, messier effect. This is called the "depressionist genre" of painting.
  • Sit in a busy place and see how many sad faces you can spot. Some of them should be quite impressive. Shame, so many people have huge problems. Anyway, it'll probably help you to feel better! If you get to 100, treat yourself to a cup of coffee.
  • Launch a website called Misery makers, where you help people to get over their happiness, and help them to cope with bubbly, positive attitudes.
  • Watch the TV news. See how many people you can count that have worse problems than you.
  • Start your own blog. Start with an entry like this: "There's nothing in this blog because I didn't feel like writing anything. And if you post a comment here, I'm not going to read it."  There's power in the internet!
  • So there you have it. Don't let depression be boring and tedious. Make it interesting. Have a load of fun! You may even look forward to being depressed!

    Fun Things To Do When You're Dog Tired.

    You don't always want to do stuff when you are really tired, and you tend to go to your desk or into your workshop and stand there staring at the wall or out the window, trying to figure out what it is you are supposed to be doing. You body is telling you to go to sleep, but your mind is telling you that you'll be fired if you sleep at work, and if you're at home your wife will have some choice words for you if she finds you sleeping in the garage.

    Well, there are a lot of fun things to do when you are really, really tired. They'll show you that you weren't really that tired before, and that THIS is what it's like to be super-tired!

    1. Write an article like this one. If you have less than 286 typos then you weren't really tired.
    2. Read a big dictionary out loud. Try not to slur your words.
    3. Help the kids with their math homework. They'll probably never ask you again, if they're wise.
    4. Ask your wife to tell you about her trip to the mall, with details of all the clothes she looked at. Real men don't sleep during these debreifing sessions.
    5. Do your income tax return. Then double check it. Don't send it in unless you like incarceration and small, not so cosy accomodation.
    6. Go to the National Insomniac Society AGM and ask lots of questions to make it last longer. If you fall asleep and snore at this meeting, your safety cannot be guaranteed.
    7. Play Monopoly with your seven year old and his friend. These games can go on all night and you usually lose, but at least you can say you were tired!
    8. Go on a night course where you listen to audio tapes about administrative processes and economical usage of office supplies.
    9. Go on a mountain fun run in beach tongs. Take along a back pack with a gallon of water, a bag of oranges and a large rock in it. The rock is to sit on while you eat your oranges.
    10. Go for a long night drive with a passenger who is snoring loudly and rhythmically next to you. Choose a quiet road with no other traffic. Going off the road disqualifies you.
    11. Go to a long service awards ceremony where each of the 38 people receiving awards get to make a speech about their careers in the technical stores of the company.
    12. Throw a party for your mother-in-law and her entire bridge club. Make them all tea and wash up afterwards.

    Are you feeling more tired yet?

    Alternatively, you could take the day off, get into bed and sleep. Beautiful sleep!

    When you're totally tired, there's nothing like it!


    The cool thing about quantum theory, is that you can now prove your off the wall theories with science.

    For example, if an object travels at close to the speed of light, it actually, physically gets shorter. So if your car is too long for your short little garage, get it up to close to the speed of light, and it will fit in! (Briefly, that is)

    But wait! It gets better!  Because travelling at close to light speeds also shortens time. In fact, when you get to the speed of light, time stops altogether and then starts going backwards, so that you can get back before you left, and watch yourself going. It's at this point of the discussion that my wife normally goes to make coffee, and she doesn't come back!

    You also get all these cool little unseeable thingys called protons and quarks and neutrinos and other particles, and you need a lot of imagination if you want to see them. Believe it or not, trillions of neutrino's are travelling through our bodies, and out vehicles, and our houses, all the time. I thought I felt strange! Sort of holier than thou. But of course you are just as holey as I. Maybe that's why my car rusts so fast.

    Kids could use these as an excuse for trashing the family sedan. 'It was terrible Dad! Millions of quarks bombarded the car, and the fender eventually just fell off. I tried to get away, but they are everywhere in the universe!' Who can argue with that? It's backed up by science.

    So getting hit into the middle of next week may just be possible. Apparently there are time tunnels from one end of the universe to the other, so that you can get 16.7 trillion light years away from home in about 20 minutes. Only problem is, they are not mapped all that well, so finding the entrance could be a slight problem. Also, if you get a few trillion light years away from earth, and have only taken a light lunch with you, and you can't find the tunnel back, you may get a tad hungry if you come home the long way round.

    You may well be asking, how you get up to the speed of light?  This is simple. You accelerate to half the speed of light. Then you double your speed.

    It's a good thing to learn about quantum theory. Talk about it for 2 minutes and people immediately think you are a rocket scientist. (or they may just think you're mad. Either way, it's great for parties)

    Actually, I haven't written this article yet. I've just got up to twice the speed of light, and I can see myself thinking about doing it tommorrow!  (And I'm really, really short!)
    10 Reasons To Get A Cat
    Your kids would like a cat. Especially your girl kids. They've told you that how many times. But you don't want to. What use is a cat, you think. But cats are great for building character, like suffering is.

    There's lots of great reasons to get a cat. Here's 10 just to start with.

    1. Cats help to get all that nasty, stuck on varnish off the legs of your furniture. It looked disgusting anyway, all yucky and brown. Bare wood is more natural, and splinters give it that rustic, homely look.

    2. Cats protect your comfy chairs and couches by covering them with a thick layer of hair, and sometimes sticks, dust and small stones. This also gets to protect your gucchi pants, when it all sticks to them when you sit there. This is great, as it protects your fabrics from acid rain, nuclear radiation and the suns Xenta rays.

    3. Cats prevent you from sleeping too much, by singing outside your window, or in your room, when they reckon you have overslept. This could be at 2am, but cats know best.

    4. Cats help to keep a whole industry of cat food manufactures going. They use your money to do this. Doesn't this make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!! Of course it does Dad!

    5. Cats keep dogs fit. If it wasn't for cats, dogs would be fat, lazy bums with no recreational outlet. It also helps them to develop endurance barking talents.

    6. Cats are a good guage of how much frustration you can endure. When you can't get them off the roof just before going to a school parents evening, you really get to know yourself.

    7. Cats teach you about nature. What kind of parasites drink blood, what the contents of an animal stomach look like on a clean carpet, what a dead rat looks like, and the makeup of hairballs. Fascinating stuff.

    8.  Cats help you to get to know your neighbours. Happy hours are spent shouting over the fence about the cat being in the neighbours house, shredding his curtains, terrifying his Pug dog and pleasantries like this.

    9.  Cats get rid of left overs, like the roast you took out to defrost, the fish you caught and were filleting when the phone rang, and the steak you had on the barbeque.

    10. Cats keep you humble, by totally ignoring you when you call them, walking over you when you're sleeping and generally treating you like dirt.

    Well, maybe these reasons are a bit thin, but cats are still good to have around. Watching them curl up and sleep in almost any place imaginable is quite an education. "How to Relax 101"

    You have to admit, life would be a little boring without a cat in your life!
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    2 pieces of string go into a bar and order drinks. The barman looks them up and down and says in a rough voice "We don't serve strings in here! Get out!" So the 2 bits of string go out the bar and stand on the sidewalk, and the one says "Whadda we gonna do now?" The other one says "I've got an idea!" He grabs his one end and rubs it on the pavement until it's all worn and frayed, and then he ties himself into a granny knot. He then goes back into the bar.
    "Hey!" says the barman, "Aren't you the piece of string I just threw out?"
    "No." says the string, "I'm afraid not."
    Do you know the difference between an elephant and a postbox? No? Then gimme back my letters!
    A guy is on the deck of a cruise liner. The sea is rather rough. Being hungry, he goes off to get himself some thick vegetable soup. On the way back to his deck chair, the ship gives a lurch and he spills the whole plate over the jacket and chest of the guy sleeping in the next deck chair. Thinking quickly, he wakes the guy up and says to him "Are you feeling better now?"
    Do you know the difference between a basin and a bison? If not, Then don't bother washing your hands.
    A knock kneed guy goes into a drug store to get something to put on the chafing between his knees. He's asks the bow legged guy behind the counter for some talcum powder. The man says "Sure sir, please walk this way." The guy says "If I walked that way I wouldn't need it!"
    Three guys walked into a building. You would've thought one of them would have seen it.
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is perhaps not for you!!
    2 penlight batteries were walking along the beach. They had an argument, and the one battery pushed the other one into the water, causing his terminals to corrode from the seawater. He thereafter sued his friend for salt and battery. (This joke is free. I can't charge you for it or cell it to you. There's hardly a spark of humor in it.)
    A man is exploring a jungle, notorious for cannibals, when he comes accoss a clearing in the jungle with a butcher shop there. The sign says "Finest Cannibal Cuts." Curious, he goes inside and looks around. In the display cabinet are steaks labelled "local tribesman $30/kg Tourist $45/kg Missionary $40/kg Politician $8,900/kg" Just then the proprieter comes in and says "Can I help you sir?" So the explorer says "Why is this politician steak so expensive?" The proprieter says "Have you ever tried to clean one of those things! It takes me a month just to get it edible!"
    If your feet smell, and your nose runs - you may have been built upside down!
    Bob: I once knew a pirate with a wooden leg named Hookeye!
    Fred: Really! What was the name of his other leg?
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